Saturday, November 14, 2020

Void

 My dad would always tell me that the key to life is focus. He'd say that if you wanted to go somewhere in life, you'd have to lock on that one thing and see nothing else. Make the world empty save for that. When I told him I wanted to be a soccer player, his advice changed little. Hone in, focus, get it done. I've got to give the man credit. With all the world watching me lining up to take the shot, I feel it's fair to say it worked.

With the opposition one goal up in the shootout, it was left to me to score or we'd all be packing up and heading home. The goal was clear. Piece by piece, I did what my father told me.

The screaming fans, either the ones cursing me or urging me forward, couldn't block the shot nor help it to the net. In my mind's eye I covered them with darkness, silencing their calls and quieting the stadium. My team and theirs didn't matter anymore either - just me and the keeper. They faded to a blackened silhouette before passing to shadow and empty space completely. The rest of the pitch wouldn't be an option now with the ball placed on the small white patch of the penalty-kick marker. Only the short blades of grass between me and the posts mattered, so that's all there was. The referee's whistle, marking when I could take my shot, stood disembodied and floating in the air. I didn't need to see the man, only the sound the whistle made.

I took a deep breath in, steadied my nerves, and looked around. Just as my father taught me. Just emptiness, save for the goal and what stood in the way. I was alone with the keeper. The disembodied whistle blew and it too faded away. I wouldn't need to hear it again.

I stepped towards the ball, patches of grass appearing and disappearing beneath my feet as I deemed them necessary. I struck it calmly, my distractions gone. The goalie dove. He wouldn't reach it. He, too, disappeared, as if leaping into the darkness.

He couldn't reach it because it sailed five inches above the bar.

The ball landed in what was nothing, then formed hands. A mouth tore back into existence to yell curses and threats down on me. The world began to rip through the black from where the ball struck it, opening up, revealing screams of joy or heartbreak, opposite emotions created from the same source. The keeper returned from nothing, returning to existence with a triumphant yell. The whistle returned, blowing three times to show the end of the match. Where my team had disappeared they returned again, but faces downtrodden, jerseys pulled over their heads to hide the world that was coming back anew. I did the same, but I couldn't block them out now. They were very real, and they always were.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Seraph's Chosen - Episode 3: Open the Gates

     Castile hurried back to his quarters to prepare, knowing just what he needed. The words of the True still rang in his ears. "It is time we ventured out once more..." No matter how dire it was, this was what he had been waiting for. 

    The unlocking of the gates meant it was time to open the gift from his father. Castile's father had not been a Harbinger, let alone a member of the church. A farmer just outside the city of Ulrich, he took little interest in anything beyond getting the greatest yield. Holding little respect for that wealth-hunting ideal, Castile left for the church when he was just hitting his teenage years. Disappointed but understanding that the call had taken him away, he bestowed upon his son one of few gifts he'd ever given; a simple, but well-crafted longsword. Castile had taken an oath to himself that he would never hold it unless he meant to use it. If there was a time for that, it would be now.

    Quietly within his small, cramped quarters, he reached beneath his bed. He dusted off the layers that had gathered on it over his time here, revealing a smooth, dark leather scabbard, fine etching on the edges. Undoubtedly it was of some quality, a miracle in itself that his father was in possession of it. Pulling it loose, the sword was far weightier than the practice weapons he would use in the training grounds, but its fine balance more than made up for the change. He checked behind his back to see if any others had returned to the Harbinger quarters, but found himself alone.  It only seemed appropriate to take a few practice swings. Conjuring the heroic deeds that race through a young man's head, he cut imaginary enemies to pieces. His heart pounded with excitement, but still, a deep, disconcerting fear. He had yet to truly swing a weapon in any danger. Charging a fake foe in his bedroom was not enough to gauge how he'd truly act.

    Suddenly feeling a tinge of embarrassment, he returned the sword to the scabbard, patted down his clothes until they were somewhat free from dirt and wrinkles, and made his way to the gates. They were massive stone structures, seemingly indomitable. It was both a point of pride and a sense of security for the Seraph's Chosen to be hidden away behind such a impregnable defensive structure. Of course, to Castile, it served often to remind him just how true it was that he couldn't leave.

    The sun moved lazily into its horizon as he approached the gate, filling the sky with brilliant reds and yellows. Dusk, at long last, was approaching. Castile arrived needlessly early and waited, the anticipation making it feel as if ages had passed. Finally, the members of the Exalted – the highest ranking of each order – arrived in their full, brilliant apparel. Truly, they were a sight to behold, the epitome of graceful, humble strength. The king's guard that dared defy the evils of the land and join the order would be given a tremendous sight!

    The armour for the women and the men would have been indistinguishable save for the coloured ribbons to mark their respective orders, as well as the notable difference in size. The Gloried's leader, for example, could have served as the gates himself. Brilliant gilded metal covered his massive form, swooping off his knees, shoulders and hands in slight curvatures, symbolizing the ascent to the angels above. His helm, like that of all the others save for the additional space to cover his massive, powerful neck, held three spikes pointed upwards. While some may mistake it for a crown, there was no semblance of superiority, but rather a meaning of reaching towards the heavens.

    Only their weapons differed with any significance. The Gloried leader carried a shield and spear, reminding all of their role to not only battle against evil but to protect those in need. The Harbinger, Dietrich, carried a hatchet and a long, curved knife – weapons as well as practical tools while braving the elements. Different still was the leader of the Cleansers, a strikingly large woman that held a curious staff that reached just beyond her head. The weapon seemed to radiate light, glowing in her hands and bathing her armour and those around her in a gentle, calming luminescence, like a candle on a quiet night.

    The spectacle of their arrival was jaw-dropping. Castile felt the surging pride in his order that Uriel briefly had shaken. He had never seen these weapons or armour before, but had heard of them through his hours of training that went beyond the physical and focused on the scriptures and lore of the church. They were wildly different from the traditional, stripped-down style of the monks, opting instead for glory and prestige. They were, after all, gifts from the angels themselves, as the old tomes told. How he would cherish being the one to wear the Harbingers' most revered armour, holding aloft the knife and hatchet. 

    Upon seeing the strength of his people, Castile wondered why the True had been so reluctant to tell the order why the gates were closed. Clearly, the Seraph's Chosen were immensely powerful, and it was indeed their duty to strike the evil from the land. What purpose was served in waiting? Why were the members kept in the dark as they were? As a young member of the order, perhaps he was simply not privy to this information, but that was typically not the manner of the church. Further, the True may have been waiting for allies like the ones set to arrive shortly. King's guard! He'd heard tales of their heroics and prowess in battle. Hopefully they would be enough.

    The thought would have to wait. The Exalted came to the centre of the gates and formed an orderly line, many of the classes falling in behind them in a vague semblance of order. Due to the Seraph's Chosen's heavy emphasis on fierce independence – especially the Harbingers - they found it difficult to make a show of standard, military style direction. The lines were haphazard, and if it were not for the glowing, beautiful Exalted at the front, they would look almost comical. Castile noticed a number of his class, as well as others, making their way up the ramparts to greet their new brothers in arms there. Unable to contain his excitement, he joined them, hoping for the first glimpse. He rushed up the stone steps where he had spent hours looking past the trees for whatever was out there, and now he would see them in the flesh. The moment was a turning point in his life; he could feel it in his very soul.

    Just as the sun bid the day its usual farewell, the first signs of the arrival of the rebellious king’s guards came from the trees. While they could see nothing yet, they could certainly hear them. The sounds of shifting metal and the clanging of militarized lockstep. It echoed in the chill air of the empty night, the wind even seeming to pay homage to the coming soldiers. Even the most resolute monks gave a hushed gasp of hope and anticipation.

    The first made their way from the trees. A line of ten, each carrying a long, gleaming halberd above their shoulders with tall, pointed shields at their side. They were clad in dark, painted metal, almost invisible in the dying sunlight. In front, one man held the symbol of Ulrich on a banner attached to a lengthy spear; a raven, wings spread, upon a rich purple background. They moved as if of one mind, perfectly in time, and stopped abruptly fifty yards from the gate.

    An impressive showing, but only ten men, even as disciplined and practiced as they were, was surely not enough to fight whatever force was coming to meet them. Nevertheless, the bars blocking the massive gate to the world were lifted, and at long last, the creaks and groans of the last barrier to isolation were pulled apart. Castile gripped his father's weapon, shivering in both the cold and the intense energy he tried his best to stifle.

    Once the gates were open, the ten moved forward only a few feet, and were replaced by a near identical set of ten. Each taking another few steps forward, they too were replaced by another set – and another, and another! Fifty men in all! Now, it was beginning to look like a sizable force. Castile looked at those beside him, beaming, and saw that he was not the only one transfixed on the scene, hopeful and taken in by the moment. The monks had remained resolute for so long, and now the long wait had come in the form of lines of soldiers, ready to fight shoulder to shoulder with them. Their discipline was impressive; how they managed to move as one cohesive group while being just a number of revolutionaries was beyond him.

    They entered through the gates, each a faceless warrior, obscured by heavy black helmets. The Exalted made way for them, separating into two sides. Not a single monk could do anything beyond stare unblinking at the soldiers, a picture of strength and discipline. The lead man, the banner carrier, stepped forward towards the True. He pulled from his waist a small horn, and blew it with all his might. The sound rang loud and clear, echoing in the cold air. It was low, a deep rumble rather than a triumphant roar. It seemed to be an odd choice for an arrival of soldiers hoping to unite.

    He would never forget that sound for the rest of his life.

    From the trees, scores of additional soldiers came through, marching in the same disciplined lockstep as the last set. Another hundred – two hundred! - came through the trees. It wasn't that, however, that marked such a moment; it was the figure behind them. He blinked, and hoped his imagination was getting the better of him. It couldn't be! Castile knew the figure mercifully not from experience but from the old books of lore of the order, tales of monsters and demons the church had overcome in its glorious past. Behind the lines of soldiers a small body floated slowly, almost carelessly, across the field. Covered in rags from the neck down, only its feet were exposed, dangling in the empty air as it glided across the land a foot above the grass. The skin on its bare feet and slightly exposed fingers was pale, almost translucent, in the passing light. What stood before him could only be one thing. A being known as the Faded.

    A demon had entered the field, and it was walking just behind their would-be brothers in arms. He thought to yell at the soldiers, warning them of the monster among them, but caught himself as he realized the grim reality of what was transpiring. It did not mean to ambush them. It guided them. They have been betrayed.

    He peered closer while the monks at the back of the line were still celebrating, not yet having seen the foreboding figure coming steadily towards them. Only the monks at the top of the ramparts could spot the demon in their midst. They frantically tried to warn their brethren, but their voices were drowned out by the celebratory clanging of steel and the horns that marked the arrival.

    Castile could see the Faded clearly now. A mask was strapped into the back of its pale skull. The front was long, hanging below its neck. Two holes were put in place of eyes, and an elongated, jagged “mouth” was scratched from one edge all the way down the looping front and back up the other side. He had heard that if it lifted its sleeve, horrific bats would fly from the opening to tear at vulnerable throats and rip the armour off the goodhearted soldiers who would dare to stand against such a beast. He prayed desperately to the angels that the old tales were just that, and maybe it was as vulnerable as its frail form seemed to appear.

    Was it even the only demon amongst the force? Periodically, Castile would also spot a strange shape in the battle lines, existing only on the fringes of his sight. Black as pitch and slipping in and out of shadows, he could not entirely be sure the thing existed at all. It met him only with a passing interest; the greater threat was clear as day.

    As the men and women on the walls saw the force that had been perceived as their saviours for what it truly was, a sudden and irreversible chaos erupted. Eventually word was passed down to those on the lower levels, and the panic was so strong and sudden to be nearly tangible. The lines of soldiers, having been allowed into the church grounds by invitation from the owners themselves, set upon the stunned monks.

    Long spears pierced flesh as the Exalted desperately tried to gather both their wits and their forces. The Gloried fell into line the fastest, creating a phalanx that rivalled the black-clad soldiers before them. The rest soon followed, but only after having lost many of their respective classes to the spears of the enemy before they even knew a battle had begun.

    Once the sense of surprise passed, Castile held his sword with renewed purpose and moved towards the stairs of the ramparts. Of course, he wasn't the only one who had thought this, and soon a rush of monks moved towards them to join in the fray. The soldiers had planned well, however. Anticipating the rush of bodies from the ramparts, small contingents rushed the stairs and held any that moved to join the battle at bay with their long, deadly spears. Trapped, they could only watch as the mass of black armoured soldiers grew larger as their numbers were reinforced. Those that stood against them, while fighting valiantly, were slowly pushed back.

    Still, Castile felt a mad hope in his people. This was the Seraph's Chosen – monks who had trained both physically and mentally for their entire lives. Each one was worth two of those soldiers, and the Exalted, ten. While still reeling from the sudden change of events, he found his eyes moving to Dietrich, the head of the Harbingers. With the pragmatism and patience of an experienced hunter, he bided his time and struck carefully against his foes. Catching thrusting spears with his axe, twisting it free of the attacker's grip and stabbing deftly with his dagger, bodies piled around him.

    The leader of the Gloried was no less stunning. Parrying thrust after thrust with his shield, he would stab back with tremendous speed and force, powerful arms still having the finesse to strike his enemies through the shoulder or the eyes, or wherever else the armour was not fully covering.

    Perhaps the most impressive – and near unbelievable – was the Exalted leader of the Cleansers. Castile had seen holy magic before, but only when used in healing or purifying the corruption from lands, items or sometimes even people that had fallen prey to evil. Now, she wielded it as a weapon, covering the enemy in magnificent, brilliant beams of light that drove the enemy back and sizzled the skin beneath their armour. The leaders of the Guides and Members, also wielding angel-gifted weapons, added their own magics as well, lighting the sky with such power as to make the night mimic the day.

    Under the discipline of the Gloried and the powers of the Exalted, it appeared as though the line was holding. They had formed a ragged half-circle, splitting the enemy forces into two groups; one storming the gates and the other holding the line at the exit of the ramparts where Castile was still forced to only watch the chaos. The injured were pulled back from the line, healed by Cleansers using whatever herbs and salves they could muster, while the Guides beseeched the angels for support and assistance. The effect of the surprise assault was beginning to wane, and the monks had found their foothold.

    That is, until the Faded finished its slow, lethargic approach, floating just behind the line. One of the beams of light cut towards it, but it twisted, not moving the lower half of its body, and avoided it with an ease that belied its decrepit form. Rising up again, it raised its bony, sinewy arms out wide, exposing the gaps in its ragged sleeves. From there, nightmarish bats poured forth just as they had from the legends. Rushing to the front lines, they landed on the backs and near the necks of the defenders, tearing at skin and distracting them long enough to let the enemy soldiers find a gap and stab through their resolute defences. Things were turning, and still, Castile could only watch in horror and amazement. For a moment, he considered leaping from the ramparts and hoping to land well enough to join the fight, so desperate he was to help. The thought was fleeting, and he wisely chose to wait for his time and the stairs to clear.

    Amongst the dreadful sounds of dying men and women, the shrieks of bats and the clanging of weapons and armour, a voice whispered to him. Strangely, it sounded vaguely like that of his own mother, soft and familiar but with a message of true horror.

    You'll watch them drown, drown in the blood, gasp for air, die in the flood.

    Castile looked behind him, thinking someone had whispered it in his ear. A man stood there, but he looked similarly perplexed, and with what little room they had cramped on the ramparts as the monks battled to reach their brothers and sisters, he could only shrug. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that same familiar, dark shape slip in and out of his peripherals.

    Shrugging it off as a singular, strange occurrence, Castile's eyes returned to the battlefield. The True was centred now, reminding those around him what it meant to be the leader of the church. Swings from his massive sword cut a swath through the attackers, opening their ranks and disrupting their positions. Bats assaulted him, but struggled to find a hold through the slick, pristine armour. Grabbing one with a gauntleted hand, he threw it to the ground and stomped on its body before returning to the soldiers that were rapidly approaching. It was masterful, somehow a spot of calm in utter chaos.

    They'll all be mine, mine in time, he'll strike us down, and join the line.

    Castile whipped around, grabbing the man behind him by the front of his tunic. “What are you saying to me? Why are you speaking in a woman's voice?”

    “Let go of me! I'm not your enemy, they're down there cutting us up one by one!” Notably, his voice was deep and raspy. Castile stared into the man's eyes, quietly assessing if he believed what he was saying. “You heard it too, then,” the man said. Castile nodded in return. “Sounded like my brother...” The man pursed his lips and shook his head, gripping tighter the small axe he held in his hand, the only weapon he had brought. Likely the only weapon he had.

    A wretched screech of pain caused Castile to turn again, a howl so loud and high many of the monks covered their ears to block it out. A beam from one of the Exalted had caught the Faded in the shoulder, leaving a smouldering hole where rotted fabric and its thin, wispy body had once been. In response, it threw its arms forward and commanded its hellish bats to return to the attack, centred now on the lead of the Cleansers. They tore at her armour, and as a cohesive unit succeeded in removing her helmet. She swatted at them in vain as they tore the flesh from her head and ripped at her face, adding her screams of torment to the cacophony of horrid sounds of battle. The bats returned to their master, flying up its sleeve. Right before Castile's eyes, the demon's wound was mended, bubbling and then reforming its battered skin.

    The Cleanser is dead, dead from the flight, and without her stand, we bring the night.

    The shape. He saw it again, this time more clearly. It approached the True, who was battered and bleeding but far from fading. He must be protected! Whatever that demon was, it was planning something terrible. Castile pushed through the crowd and stood high on the edge of the ramparts, doing his best attempt at yelling over the many voices and cries. “Protect the True! A monster comes for him!”

    The shape crept up before their heroic leader, forming two feet from him, vaguely in the shape of a human. Immediately, the True swung for the creature. “Help him! Help him now!” Castile yelled over the clamour. However, it all seemed for naught – the sword cut cleanly through the thing, turning it into a fine mist that congealed upon the True's sword.

    “No,” Castile said, awestruck, knowing that whatever this strange being was, it was not to be felled so easily.

    It seemed to flow up the weapon, and find its way into cracks and holes in the armour of the True. “No!” Castile yelled again, as the great, triumphant leader of all he had ever known, the pinnacle of his order and the best of all he represented, fell to one knee. He tore at his armour in vain, such fine craftsmanship serving to protect him so effectively, now becoming his tomb. He did not scream out in pain, nor did he weep or sob or curse. He simply toppled over, joining the ranks of the dead and gone.

    Incensed at the loss of their leader, monks at the end of the stairs leading down from the ramparts redoubled their efforts and finally opened a line to break out from their positions. In their fury, one shoulder caught Castile's knee as he stood upon the ramparts. He overbalanced and fell backwards from the wall, his last image being Dietrich, the paragon of his caste, finally being overcome by the horde of soldiers.

    He heard one final whisper on his descent.

    I have not gone, gone from this fight, it will all be complete, with the snuff of the light.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

There's Nothing There

 You tell yourself it's nothing. Houses creak, boards shift, wind rustles a few things outside, that's all there is. Yet, as you're going to sleep, your body urges you to open your eyes to ensure you're safe. Check the door, make sure no one opened it. Look outside, make sure no one's out there. If your eyes are closed, you can't see the man you're imagining standing at the foot of your bed.

Forcing your eyes shut, you try again. It's more frustration than anything now, looking at the clock and seeing 2:14 lighting up your room in small red numbers from your dresser. It's a counting-up count-down to the next day when the inevitable bags under your eyes and heavy yawns tell the story of this night better than you ever could. You will close your eyes, you will fall asleep, you promise yourself for the good of tomorrow.

Thump.

Eyes wide as dinner plates. It's amazing how fast your heart will pick up the pace when danger, real or imagined, is around. In your head you tell yourself that's the sound it makes when the heat comes on, not a burglar, home invader, murderer... You know your reasoning is perfectly logical. That sound happens when it's a cold night, every time. Of course, your heart is still doing its greatest impression of a jackhammer. 
Hearts are never one for logic, and it's just not buying it tonight.

Thump.

Okay, it usually doesn't happen twice. Admittedly, it's a little odd. Not a big deal, but odd. It's something that can be checked out in the morning, as your bed is warm and comfortable and the idea of getting out of it is not in the cards right now. You reassess where you're at. The red lights flare their warning of 2:27. Five hours is fine if you fall asleep right now, just take a nap when you're back from work, you tell yourself. So, you close your eyes again. You're an adult, for goodness sake. This isn't something you should be dealing with. It's just like being a child again, except you've replaced monsters under the bed with someone breaking in.

Of course, people do break in...

That's it. The only way you're falling back asleep is accepting that you're going to have to go downstairs and check it out. Not to see anything, but to confirm that you see nothing. That there's nothing there, and that everything's all in your head.

Convincing yourself you're a brave, levelheaded adult, you rip the sheets off your bed, throw on your housecoat, and march out of your room to suddenly realise that the stairs are dark and every step you make is loud enough to wake the dead. Have they always creaked? Why do they have to announce your arrival for the would-be killer that's surely just around the corner?

If I have to die in a damn housecoat...

Why is your heart beating? This is ridiculous. You turn on the light and your home feels warm and familiar, even if the light stings your eyes. You check each room, still walking around on tip-toes as for some reason anything that breaks the silence is oddly disconcerting. Your eyes take special care to look around inside, but not outside, as you saw that horror movie when you were a kid where there was someone out there, and you just don't want to deal with that thought right now.

After a few minutes the scouting mission is complete. There's no one there. There's never anyone there. You're just falling asleep, the same as you always have, and in the morning you'll feel awfully foolish. It's 2:41 when you're back up in your room, and that same frustration from before sets in. Less than five hours. That'll be a lot of coffee tomorrow morning.

Having gotten out of bed makes the sheets and pillow seem more comfortable again. Your heartbeat has since settled down to a gentle pattering. It's your chance. You're almost there. Sleep, glorious sleep.

Thump.

Thursday, September 17, 2020

The Best Fit

 "You've got a good right foot," Donnie's father suggested. "I could see you being a real footballer when you're older."

"Don't put that nonsense in his head," his mother chided. "He's got brains and kindness. That's got doctor written all over it. Oh, we're just so excited for you!"

Playing the part of the standard, disgruntled teenager, Donnie ate his breakfast like he didn't care. In reality, he was nearly sweating through his shirt just thinking about it. It was his 18th birthday. That meant it was his time to be given his life's assignment.

Everyone waited for this moment with both nervous anticipation and a deep feeling of dread. You'll see kids walk into the hall, nervousness and excitement palpable on their faces, and walk out looking suddenly much more grown up. It's like the moment they have in there, closing one chapter of their lives and opening another just as cleanly and decisively as one would a book, ages them greatly in just that one moment.

Boys and girls go in with childlike worries. They walk out elated, knowing their future is one of fame and fortune, or respect, or power. Doctor. Leader. Politician. Astronaut. The stuff kids dream to be, then learn they will be.

Or, they walk out with a very real sense that their life is doomed to one of abject mediocrity. From there, there's no escape. It's for the best, they say. It puts you at your peak performance level in a field you're suited. Anything higher would be a failure.

The system has been made into law. To keep society running as flawlessly as possible, each must follow the directive given. They say it's to establish the most functional, high-efficiency society imaginable. All the textbooks say it's working wonders. Joblessness is eradicated. Poverty is abolished. Everyone has a role to play, and considering how intricate and astounding the machinery is, there's not an adult in the world that says what's been given to them doesn't fit. It's a system without a practical flaw.

The problem is, for some, they hoped they would have had more. The machinery can't change human emotion, nor can it curb aspiration. It's not the status that bothers these people, it's the lack of opportunity to change their lot in life, even if what's given is appropriate. What your fate is deemed to be is chosen, mathematically, flawlessly, efficiently... disconcertingly effortlessly.

Donnie finished his breakfast. Most of his cereal remained in the bowl.

--

Donnie looked up at the Determination Annex. It's design was as utilitarian as its purpose. The building lacked any heart and soul, holding only cold, calculating reason. There was no space for beauty in the building, so it didn't exist. It's walls were the colour of the concrete that made it. It was a rectangle, as that was the simplest to build and easiest to maintain. Aesthetics did not serve to dispense fates with any greater speed or quality, so aesthetics were not to be considered.

Determination Annex... it's even named heartlessly.

He bid farewell to his teary-eyed, excited parents, hoping they didn't notice him shaking as they each gave him a hug. The waiting room was for would-be adults as the scientists - undoubtedly people who learned this was to be their place of work many years ago in much the same fashion - took their names for the records.

He held his pendant tight, as if he could pour more of his very essence into it to spur on a better assignment. That was the source of their information. A small data reader that hung around their neck, recording their every move, success, failure, word spoken, friendship, skill, anything you could imagine. It would then compress it down into an algorithm that determined exactly what and who they were to be. He prayed it was good, but he knew the computers were more god than God now, and the Annex was its holy temple. There was no power in the universe that could change it.

"Donald Whitby, to the desk," boomed over the speakers. This was it.

A bored man behind the desk put out his hand wordlessly. Unceremonious, considering the circumstances. As he handed over his pendant - his "key" as it was colloquially called - was placed into a slot not much larger than it that hooked up to the main computer. A light on the machine beeped red a number of times before abruptly changing to green. A life's determination, while you wait. Faster than a cheeseburger.

A sheet printed. The bored man handed it to him. "Boilermaker," he said shortly after a yawn, not bothering to cover his mouth to mask the tedium of this life-defining moment.

Donnie took the paper. His face went red. It was fine, really. Decent work, average pay. Not bad at all. He'd always been good at mechanical tasks, especially after helping his father repair his car a few times over some pleasant summers evenings. It was just a lot to take in. He held up the paper as he greeted his parents. They screamed the word after he told them. "Boilermaker!" It had never been said with such pride. He could have said "laboratory test subject" and they'd still be proud of him. There was a lot to be proud of, after all. It was a fine job. A good job.

"How do ya feel, boy?" his father asked, ruffling his hair. "Still think you'd make a good footballer. Maybe kick a few boilers, eh?"

"I don't know," Donnie replied honestly. "It's just... I don't know what I expected."

"They say it's for the best," his mother encouraged. "You'll be good at it. They say you would have found your way there eventually anyway, you know."

"Yeah. Yeah... I guess I just wanted to find my way there myself." He watched a few boys and girls hug their mothers and fathers as they entered the Annex. His fate was fine. So was theirs. Everything was fine. It was for the best.

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Don't Despair, Kids

There's a difference between sadness and despair, in movies and in life. 

Sadness is when someone close to you dies. Bring on the natural reactions; a sense of loss, tears, a solemn piano at every scene (typically movies-only). It can be a great hook, and kids movies are no strangers to sadness. In fact, plenty of them do it brilliantly. Sadness is the tear-jerking beginning of Up. Sadness is Andy saying goodbye to his toys in Toy Story. Mufasa's death in The Lion King is sadness. Even in Finding Nemo, where the father's clutch of eggs is destroyed, a single one remains to provide hope. That makes it sadness. None of these are despair. 

Despair is when the sadness doesn't pass. It's when the feelings of hopelessness and darkness is so all-consuming there appears to be no exit. In the last couple decades, despair has been somewhat absent in children's movies. Even in sad scenes featuring death there's sacrifice or heroism. In defeat, there's hope. In darkness, there's a lit path. It's like a mandate has gone out to children's movie and television creators deeming true despair just too difficult for a child's mind to handle. However, pre-2000, writers seemed to have no qualms with it at all.

The NeverEnding Story's Suicide and Drowning

The NeverEnding Story! The kind of story that would likely be described with the word "fantastical". A boy tries to save a kingdom, meets a bunch of gnarly creatures, and the whole thing resembles a well-crafted, German-made acid trip. How swell! Except for the scene where a horse gives in to its depression and drowns itself in a lake of its own sorrow. 

The scene is somehow every bit as disturbing as it sounds. The boy tries to save his horse who's caught in a metaphorical pit of sadness. He begs and pleads, trying to get it to move and come with him. It doesn't. Instead, it sinks further, and the boy becomes more urgent, more desperate. It's too late. The horse is submerged, and the boy is left alone. The location is the aptly named "Swamp of Sadness." The horse was battling depression (represented by a thick, sucking mud) and it fails to overcome it. It's suicide by tar-pit. 

This is where there's that difference between sadness and despair. The death of the horse is not one of sacrifice. It's not noble, not bittersweet, not beautiful. It's swallowed by sadness and full only of defeat. In that scene, there is no redemption, nor is there a "light at the end of the tunnel." 

I can't help but thinking how this would play in the modern era. I picture as the horse is sinking, the kid would show the horse that no matter how dark things seem, love is always there, and you can't crush hope. Cue the trumpets. It's a close call. They carry on their way, their bond stronger than ever. Does its death make a more memorable scene? Undoubtedly. But is it better?

I Guess We Should Have Known How Dinosaurs Would End

Yes, yes, I'm stretching my own rules. Dinosaurs is a television series, and I was talking about movies. However, this one's hard to pass up. A pleasant comedy about - you guessed it - dinosaurs, the final season's theme is about rampant, unchecked technological advancement and the effects it has on the natural world. You know, light, child-like concerns.  

In a nutshell, the main character, Earl, (think Homer Simpson in dinosaur form, except exactly) has through bumbling errors and his species' hubris quite literally doomed all of civilization. The technological advancements they were using to make their lives easier caused a chain of events that led to all plant life on the planet to die, bringing on an ice-age. The final scene is split into two parts; first, Earl is explaining to his infant child that it's going to get very cold. They're to sit and wait and die, as there's nowhere else to go. The second part is a deeply disconcerting scene with a newscaster saying the forecast is one of "continued snow, darkness and extreme cold." He closes with a solemn "goodbye." The scene ends. The series ends. Roll credits. 

The implication is the characters you've come to know and love are to die to either cold or hunger, whatever fate takes them first. It's beautiful and sad, but there's no triumph, no success, no eventual that-was-close-but-we-turned-it-around moment. Honestly, it's one of my favourite television endings, but it's undoubtedly devastating. 

This goes beyond just "sad", because the sad moments of the modern era are eventually eclipsed by the victories of the protagonists. Failure is used almost entirely as a stepping stone to eventual success. However, this is just full-on despair. There is no redemption here. Lovable Earl caused the death of not only his family, but the entirety of the dinosaur species, dooming them to a final cold, hopeless existence. He has to live (or, more accurately, die) with the consequences of his actions. Watching him have to explain they're about to freeze to death to his infant child is heart-wrenching. As a viewer, you wait for a dinosaur in a lab coat to rush in and say, "I've come up with a fix - but we've all got to work together!" You wait for the inevitable lesson of having to treat nature with respect and kindness. You wait for something so these characters you love aren't left to a horrible fate devoid of hope. It doesn't come. The lesson is they died and you don't have to. It's a powerful message.

There's some deep-rooted metaphor in there about the dinosaurs eventually turning into the oil that... well... you know... dooms us the same way as them.

But hey, "not the momma!", am I right?! Ha!

Bojack Horseman "Gets" Depression? Check out The Brave Little Toaster

If you've never heard of it before, The Brave Little Toaster is a heartwarming adventure story of a number of forgotten appliances trying to find its way back to their owner. It's Toy Story but with vacuums and alarm clocks. As a bonus, there's an air-conditioner voiced by Phil Hartman! He dies terribly. They really didn't pull any punches back then.

It's a solid movie, made all the stronger by a number of excellent musical numbers of which there's one particularly standout. It's upbeat and catchy, with surprisingly well-written lyrics that have a depth that would be undoubtedly lost on the youth they're appealing to. Admittedly, there are plenty of modern-era kids' movies that have songs that would fit the same description. However, The Brave Little Toaster's "Worthless" stands aside. Taking place in a scrapyard, old vehicles are being crushed down into tiny cubes. Before going on the conveyor belt that sends them to the big highway in the sky, they sing their life stories.

Lets take a look here. The first car, an old farm vehicle, is at the end of his rope. He just can't get to work anymore. The daily grind and hard physical labour have worn him down to the point of breaking. It's an indictment on the 9-5. (Of course, since we've introduced those pesky child labour laws, I don't think many kids will grasp that as a concept). In the end, he's destroyed, having lost his worth and ultimately cubed. Despair.

One shortly after is a broken down race-car thinking back to the highlights of his career. He wonders how "close he came" to greatness before crashing. He used to be the best of the best, but now he's shattered and broken in a scrap heap, forgotten. "So much for fortune and fame," he laments. Even if he's repaired, the technology has moved past him. With no place left in the world for him to go and unable to compete in what he's built for, he's destroyed as well. Despair.

The deepest, darkest (and best written) lyrics follow right after. A limousine, adorned with longhorns, speaks of taking a "Texan to a wedding". There must have been a crash and a death, as the next car is a hearse - that's dropped upon the limo. The latter's lyrics are chilling: "I took a man to a graveyard; I beg your pardon, it's quite hard enough; just living with the stuff I have learned." He's seen such terrible things, it's hard to live with. He's to be crushed into a cube, but the peace of death gives him a release from the memories that haunt him. My God that's despair. Holy crap is that ever despair.

The final car tells his story of working on an "Indian reservation". (It was 1987, OK?) He took kids from A to B, and liked his work - until he started to get old and broken down, and eventually they called him "worthless". Now here he is in the junkyard. His story is the saddest of them all, as when he's about to be picked up by the sentient magnet that collects the cars and brings them to their ultimate end, he revs up and speeds off - onto the conveyor belt that leads to the crusher. Devastated at having lost not only his life's work but the respect of those he worked for, he chooses death. He's functional, but just functional enough to go out on his own terms. Despair.  

So how does this play out in 2020? What's the difference? Let me write it for you.

The toaster and crew speak to all the broken down cars. They say how they're useless, time has moved on, etc. etc. It's a pretty sad scene they come across. One old truck tells them all there's no use in trying. He's gruff, rusted, angry. The toaster snaps his... fingers?... and comes up with an idea. They realize the first car has a broken-down engine. The second is missing her tires. The third has a busted... I don't know cars... busted something. They scour the junkyard, find the parts, and put them back together again - not good as new, but good. With the cars reformed, they escape the magnet monster, and drive off to their next destination. The gruff old truck is apologetic but approving. He's sorry he didn't believe in them. Now, they ride back together to go find the people they're looking for in the first place. It's redemption. It's finding solutions. It's working together. No one commits suicide because it's a freakin' kids movie about an anthropomorphic toaster going on a wacky adventure. 

Final Thoughts

I really don't know how to feel about this. I remember all these scenes when I was a kid quite clearly, but what I can't quite figure is if they were overall positive experiences. Were these concepts I should have been exposed to as a child? Were they too extreme? Is there a disconnect because while all the beings we've spoken of are living, emotive, speaking creatures (the horse is an exception on the latter, but - you never know!) none of them are human? It might be appropriate for despair as an emotion to not feature in children's movies, but considering how strongly these scenes have stuck in my head, there's a chance that it's worth the time. That, or it's stuck in my head because that's what mental scarring is. 

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Graded 'C' for COVID

 About a quarter of our seven-hundred kids lined up at pylons placed around the school this morning. Children with oversized backpacks wandered the outside of the school, looking for their homeroom teachers who signalled them with poster board signs with their names in big, bold letters (the elementary teachers had particularly elaborate decorations). Fear was thick in the air, but strangely, it wasn’t due to COVID. It was just the first day jitters of nervous students, the same as always. In fact, there were many norms still hanging around. There were a few parents outside, reluctant to leave while wishing their kids goodbye, mostly teary-eyed mothers and fathers taking pictures of their kindergarteners heading off to their first day. The junior highs were still either happy to see their friends or awkwardly half-crossing their arms hoping either to be noticed or not noticed at all, depending on the kid. There were plenty wandering around aimlessly, unsure of where to go. Those things haven’t changed a bit - save for the fact they were all wearing masks.

The bell rang at 8:30 for the first set of kids to enter. The start time is staggered now, with some kids going into the school at normal time and the rest following up ten minutes later to reduce hallway congestion. Even the starting days themselves are staggered for the first week. Students with last names of A-M are here today, with N-Z following up tomorrow. With so many students not knowing where to go and parents looking to help their kids find their way, the powers-that-be decided it would be best to split them into two groups until things get under control. The result was a quiet school with only a skeleton crew of students. 


Hand sanitizer waits outside each classroom. The teachers lead them through the door, squirt a bit into their hands, and they can enter. The same process will be repeated, except with far lengthier hand-washing, at lunchtime. That was a great point of contention in the meetings leading up to day one, with all the math teachers running the numbers to see just how long this process will take. (How many sinks are in each bathroom, which classrooms go where, how many students in each class, time per hand-washing… there was a lot to factor in.) Mundane, everyday occurrences suddenly have become surprisingly time consuming tasks.


Once all the students are in, they go over extensive guides and PowerPoints welcoming them with bright colours and smiley-faces while simultaneously warning them not to touch or get too close to anyone else. A few googly-eyed characters of viruses wearing masks are on the front page. From what I can tell, the teachers have done a good job. The students, even the young ones, seem to have come to grips with the situation well enough, even if they can’t fathom the complexities of this (hopefully) once in a lifetime event. From there, the day carries on as normal-ish. 


The bell rings again at 10:15 for recess. Each class is scheduled a time to leave, again to keep from cluttering the halls. The teachers are asked to take them to separate places in the field and to ensure they don’t get too close to the other classes, all corralled into imaginary barriers patrolled by the teacher. It looks and feels terribly dystopian, like every individual class is treating the rest as some unknown, untouchable 'other'. However, kids will be kids. They still get out there and run around aimlessly and have fun with the friends in their class they can go near. It’s odd, but functional. 


As for me, I’ve been busy wandering the school, watching the whole event unfold. I’m a new breed of teacher, designated to teaching online and online only - although I still have to be physically in the school (much to my frustration). Tech problems have limited my ability to begin classes today, but that seems the norm across the board. Many online teachers still don’t have their assignments yet, wondering just what they’ll be teaching as the first day passes by. That alone is unprecedented. From my experience, teachers can be summed up with two words; preparers and worriers. A late assignment certainly doesn't help.


Personally, I just learned what I'll be teaching yesterday at 9:00 a.m. during a three-and-a-half hour meeting where I heard more we’ll-figure-it-out-laters and flat I-don’t-knows than I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve been given the strange, unprecedented task of teaching, of all things, physical education and health online. Are you wondering what that is and how that would look? 


Well, so am I.


There are very few things that work for physical education in an online setting. (I typed that out unsure if it’s too obvious to even have to state directly.) The curriculum, while never directly saying a specific sport must be played (for example, nowhere does it say you have to play basketball, but rather says you have to teach them how to dribble, move into space, pass, etc.) still prevents you from adequately teaching these skills online. I bet fewer than half of my students have a basketball, soccer ball, or football at home, and even if they did, I wouldn’t know how to make a lesson out of it. “Dribble a ball on your carpet” can’t be a well-received lesson plan. These lessons, by the way, are three hours long and every four days, albeit with breaks and time allowed to send students to work on homework individually. What phys. ed. homework consists of remains a bit of a mystery.


"So, uh… go for a run, kids. See you tomorrow."


With that being said, the other subjects seem to be a lot more clear from an online perspective. Social Studies has a lecture followed by individual work. Science can’t do labs, but hey, Bill Nye still gets the job done. Math is trickier, but certainly workable. Language Arts is hardly more difficult online than it is in person, in my opinion. Physical education (the more commonly used ‘gym’ doesn’t seem appropriate anymore) is a much stranger beast. For now, I’m crossing my fingers and hoping the school board puts out some information on how they’re expecting it to be done. Online teaching starts in earnest on Tuesday, and the clock is ticking. I feel the same way about health, which has a minuscule curriculum in comparison to the standard core subjects but has now been allotted the same amount of time per three day rotation as math, science and so on. One way or the other, it'll be interesting.


However, I feel I’m slightly out of the norm with my feelings on being unsure of what to do. Things seem to be running surprisingly smoothly today. It’s different, certainly, but the safety measures are in place as best as they can be and the students seem happy enough. Hearing a mumbling, nervous junior high student through a mask is a bit of a challenge, but they’ll get used to it. Until then, it’s one day at a time. For now, it feels like cataloguing the event is the right thing to do, as major historical events need their primary sources. 


We’ll teach that in history class.

Friday, August 28, 2020

Shuteye

 You tell yourself it's nothing. Houses creak, boards shift, wind rustles a few things outside, that's all there is. Yet, as you're going to sleep, your body urges you to open your eyes to ensure you're safe. Check the door, make sure no one opened it. Look outside, make sure no one's out there. If your eyes are closed, you can't see the man you're imagining standing at the foot of your bed.

Forcing your eyes shut, you try again. It's more frustration than anything now, looking at the clock and seeing 2:14 lighting up your room in small red numbers from your dresser. It's a counting-up count-down to the next day when the inevitable bags under your eyes and heavy yawns tell the story of this night you ever could. You will close your eyes, you will fall asleep, you promise yourself for the good of tomorrow.

Thump.

Eyes wide as dinner plates. It's amazing how fast your heart will pick up the pace when danger, real or imagined, is around. In your head you tell yourself that's the sound it makes when the heat comes on, and not a burglar, home invader, serial killer... You know your reasoning is perfectly logical. That sound happens when it's a cold night. Of course, your heart is still doing its greatest impression of a jackhammer.

Thump.

Okay, it usually doesn't happen twice. That's odd. Not a big deal, but that's odd. It's something that can be checked out in the morning, as your bed is warm and comfortable and the idea of getting out of it is not in the cards tonight. You reassess where you're at. The red lights flare their warning of 2:27. Five hours is fine if you fall asleep right now, just take a nap when you're back from work, you tell yourself. So, you close your eyes again. You're an adult, for goodness sake. This isn't something you should be dealing with. It's just like being a child again, except you've replaced monsters under the bed with someone breaking in.

Of course, people do break in...

That's it. The only way you're falling back asleep is accepting that you're going to have to go downstairs and check it out. Not to see anything, but to confirm that you see nothing. That there's nothing there, and that everything's all in your head. Convincing yourself you're a brave, levelheaded adult, you rip the sheets off your bed, throw on your housecoat, and march out of your room to suddenly realise that the stairs are dark and every step you make on them seems to be loud enough to wake the dead. Have they always creaked?

Why is your heart beating? This is ridiculous. You turn on the light and your home feels warm and familiar, even if the light stings your eyes. You check each room, still walking around on tip-toes as for some reason anything that breaks the silence is oddly disconcerting. Your eyes take special care to look around inside, but not outside, as you saw that horror movie when you were a kid where there was someone out there, and you just don't want to deal with that right now.

After a few minutes the scouting mission is complete. There's no one there. There's never anyone there. You're just falling asleep, the same as you always have, and in the morning you'll feel awfully foolish. It's 2:41 when you're back up in your room, and that same frustration from before sets in. Less than five hours. That'll be a lot of coffee tomorrow morning.

Having gotten out of bed makes the sheets and pillow seem more comfortable again. Also, as much as you hate to admit it to yourself, you feel far more comfortable knowing you checked outside. Your heartbeat has since settled down to a gentle pattering. It's your chance. You're almost there.

Thump.

Void

  My dad would always tell me that the key to life is focus. He'd say that if you wanted to go somewhere in life, you'd have to lock...